Battlezone 2
StC: 119 seconds
Notes: Follow Lt. Shabayev. She will take you to the crates.
Comments:
Chet: I didn’t think we’d ever find the crates.
erik: I knew we would because I believe in myself. I’m high on life. I’m so high on life, I shouldn’t be allowed to drive, if I wasn’t already not allowed to drive for other reasons.
Chet: Me too. What about you Kevin?
Kevin: I’m high on heroin.
erik: Is that like hugs?
Kevin: Kind of, but you’re being hugged from the inside. Imagine being high on life, except you’re actually high. And unlike life, you don’t die at the end. Usually.
“
| — | From Old Man Murray’s Crate Review System, which introduced the world’s first and last 100% scientific video-game reviewing system, the infallible “Start to Crate” (StC) metric: count the seconds from start of game till appearance of the first obligatory crate. The lower the StC, the shittier the game. (OMM’s Chet and erik, I am told, went on to work at Valve, where they wrote much of the dialogue for Portal. If there is some kind of lifetime-achievement award for the games industry, these guys got it coming. If there is not, I hereby invent it and declare it shall be called the Old Man Murray.) |
